I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
