You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
