she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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