conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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