I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
