When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
