yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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