Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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