I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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