He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
