I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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