I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
