I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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