Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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