he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
