i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
