I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
