The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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