I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
