I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
