what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
