Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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