You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
