I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
