You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
