From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
