seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
