I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
