the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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