A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
