it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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