sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
