I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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