Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
