Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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