A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
