I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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