I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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