Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
