Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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