I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
