And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
