I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
