I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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