I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
