I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
