Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The power of my boobs compel you
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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