Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
