You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
