My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
