I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
