Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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