one two three fourrrrnication!
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
