I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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