I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
