I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
