The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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