i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
